rantings and

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Mar. 31st, 2008

well.

mood:

apathetic

where to start right.
its been a while since i posted in here.
im still with calvin.
im not a cadet 1st sgt in the mcjrotc.
uhhhhhhhhhhh.

in 119 i die.

Posted at 10:41 pm | Link | Leave a comment | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend

Oct. 20th, 2007

so, people really dont get it. or get me at all. im sorry im such a dissapointment to you by the way. you only had to tell me and make me cry right...just because im tired of arguing and i have alot of stress going on right now and i cant argue over stuff that ive been arguing over for the past 6 months..i really cant anymore. im just. i dont have it in me anymore. im empty. i really am. and no im not depressed, tho i probably am.

whatever...

i miss how things used to be.
thats all that matters right.
is that i got what i needed.
i wish that i needed it for the right reasons tho....

time to cry again...

Sep. 24th, 2007

(no subject)

i assume things are finally going somewhat well for me now. i have what i need really. to keep me content for now of course.

i still fucking hate you.
and im sure that'll never change.

and you, you frighten me to an extent.

stop being a slut.
whorebag.

:D!

Posted at 06:43 pm | Link | Leave a comment | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend

Aug. 30th, 2007

grr

location: grandmas house

mood:

depressed

music: pokemon playing in the background

not gunna lie, i dont want a sweet 16, honestly.
i told my mother this a few times.
but now I get to tell my father that he cant go.
its lovely, really fucking lovely.
there are some days when i want to give up, and just die.

im glad i have certain people to help me through things...

Tags: blah

Aug. 27th, 2007

seriously now

mood:

cold

theres nothing good about me. why the fuck do you like me>?!?!?!?!

Posted at 10:09 pm | Link | Leave a comment | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend

rantings of a teenage idiot

location: computer room

mood:

relieved

music: jet pilot-system of a down

so i honestly do apologize in advance for the language in this entry, but im listening to the used and it got me in a mood. so now i have to let out alot.
so i do apologize in advance.

dude WHAT THE FUCK?! what the fuck is up with people these days?!?!!? everyones on fucking drugs, or everyones always drunk or some stupid shit like that. the sXe way is the way to be, i mean COME ON!!!!! my neighbor is out back getting high right now i think its fucking hilarious. its like dude, seriously, sort your fucking life out mate. hell yes i put some shaun of the dead shit in there :D!

im 15, and i think ive found the perfect guy for me. but what is love? is it that feeling that you feel when youre around that person, or is that just lust. ive come to believe that even when youre like 23982938 years old, bc yeah people can be 23982938 years old. bite me bitch..where was i.
OH YEAH!
even when youre 23982938 years old, you dont know what love is. noone does. i mean i have a theory. like, you know when youre with that person, that ONE person thats like, yeah. and you and that person get into a fight, and its like your whole world has come crushing down around you, and youre stuck in a pool and youre drowning and you cant escape because youve lost all sense of, well anything. and you just want to know that that person is okay with you, and that that person will hold you and youll be okay and everything will be okay. and then when they do hold you, its like a sigh of relief, and all that water goes away, and you can BREATHE again, and you know that all is finally well in your own personal hell.
to me, thats love.

like today, i got into a fight with calvin, and it was pretty bad. like giving the ring back sort of bad, which was terrible of me, i know. i was like yelling at myself inside, saying what the fuck are you doing stefanie?! you know how this fucking feels, you know what youre putting him through right now, youre treating him like shit! and then i was like, well thats fucking life. but then another part of me was all, omg i cant do this to him, im killing him.
because I KNOW, i know what its like for that one person to just treat you like complete shit, it isnt fun.
it kills you....

but neway. he sat down on the couch next to me and i took the ring back, and he started to like tear up and i kissed him and i was all please dont cry -insert sappy chick flick name here-. it was sweet.

i really dk what love is, idk if ive even FOUND love. and if i did, well, congrats stefanie, youve fallen for a guy whose joining the marines when he graduates this year.

GREAT.

and omg, why is everyone so slutty these days too?!?!?!?!?!?!!? its like dude youre a FUCKING WHORE, just stop!
and if you dont like someone, dont go on and pretend that you do, bc its really fucking annoying.

and if a certain person ever DOES read this.
you dont love her, youre using her. its pissing me off. im sorry to know youve turned into such a dick.

wow im a bitch tonight.

on a softer note, i am quite happy at the moment. all is well in my personal hell, for now neway.
i just want to be held.
idk.

life is wIeRd. and we cant change that shit.

thats all.

for now.

peace mah homie g

Tags: rantings

Aug. 25th, 2007

(no subject)

do you believe that you can tell if a person loves you by the way they kiss you?

Aug. 9th, 2007

cruise

location: internet cafe

mood:

sad

music: whatever the fuck theyre playing in the middle of deck 5

so.

hi everyone who may actually read this, im sure its ty or calvin or someone.

idk.

im on the cruise right now, and i swear to god i dont think ive ever felt so alone. i have two friends jess and kim, theyre pretty chill.

i still cant help but feel really alone.

my friend phill got into a fight, well almost did, so i found him and pulled him away from a group of kids, and they all stared and made fun of me. not the coolest thing they could do..

i just, i really want to come home. i love how im crying in the midle of the internet cafe, not like it matters, its late anyway.

im not too sure what time it is now anyway.

well im about to cry, my eyes are tearing up.

i have tomorrow at sea, then im home. at last. thank god.

-sigh- iwannagohome

Tags: stupid cruise

Posted at 12:10 pm | Link | Leave a comment | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend

Jul. 13th, 2007

blah

location: computer room.

mood:

sick

music: dead world-static-x

ello.
so i'm sick.
funfunfun.

like honestly who actually reads this.
im sure noone does.
which is good for me i guess.
but i am asking for it if i post something online.

so. i got a boyfriend.
what does that term ACTUALLY mean anyway.
he finally asked me out on the fourth.
we've been really flirty for the past like month, and everyone already thought we were dating anyway.
but now we are.
and im finally moving on, things are finally looking up.
although there are days when i have to stop and think if i'm getting myself into the same shit as last time.
but im sure my luck isnt as horrible as it can be.
giving me two shitty boyfriends in a row.
neway.
we play this stupid game called "21 questions".
which i honestly just do because i want to get information out of him.
which works.
and we never stop at 21, we go on until he's out of questions.
idk why it seems that..i forgot what i wsa going to write.
fuck.
.......................................................................
wait.
OH!
idk why it seems that whenever we're togehter we're good.
but then when we're apart he'll say something stupid and i'll get offended.
idk.
its annoying >.<
neway.
we just played the stupid game. and i really needeed to vent from something he had said bc it got to me. so im writing on here, bc im too lazy to write it in my own stupid diary thats in my bag.
ill show you what it was.

me: 21 questions then
him: your starting then
me: what did the girlsl that you used to have crushes on look like
him: one girl was like the same height as you with slightly lighter hair except for the face she looked alot like you but slightly skinnier but not really much of a difference
me: thats great.
him: what is
me: nothing.

which was ridiculous of me. it just like irked me that he has the tendencies to like people that are just like me >.<
i was hoping he'd be a stupid romantic with this and be all
"theres noone like you im falling for you"
blahblahblah
idk.
i guess there are other girls like me out there lol....
i need to stop reading stupid books >.<
and no, not the stupid fabio types.

speaking of which.
i never knew an asian could pull of the fabio shirt >.<
which is stupid bc im very mad at my gaysian and he probably could care less at this point.
and im being stupid to him for a reason.
and ill never tell him the reason.
ill never tell anyone.

nehooties.
i guess im going to go now.
who honestly reads this shit neway.

redrum me.

Tags: blah

Jul. 6th, 2007

life

why do you feel the need to go by so quickly?

Posted at 11:06 pm | Link | Leave a comment | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend

Jul. 1st, 2007

bored

mood:

aggravated

so.
i'm home.
and quite bored now.
my moms in the hospital and brynnas coming any minute to pick me up so we can go visit her.
funny how things work out right.

BLAH CALVIN SAY SOMETHING ON THE FUCKING PHONE!!!

jeesh.

you'll be looking at this any minute.

Tags: calvin doesnt talk

Posted at 07:12 pm | Link | Leave a comment | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend

Jun. 30th, 2007

new life

location: dads house

mood:

bouncy

music: less talk more rokk-freezepop

i officially think, that everythings going to work out.
finally.
and im happy.

wooot woooot

Posted at 02:46 pm | Link | Leave a comment | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend

Apr. 30th, 2007

hide and seek

location: cp room

mood:

sad

music: Imogen Heap-Hide and Seak

where are we?
what the hell is going on?
the dust has only just begun to fall
crop circles in the carpet
sinking, feeling

spin me round again
and rub my eyes,
this can't be happening
when busy streets a mess with people
would stop to hold their heads heavy

hide and seek
trains and sewing machines
all those years
they were here first

oily marks appear on walls
where pleasure moments hung before the takeover,
the sweeping insensitivity of this still life

hide and seek
trains and sewing machines (you won't catch me around here)
blood and tears
they were here first

Mmmm what do you say,
Mmmm that you only meant well?
well of course you did
Mmmm what do you say,
Mmmm that's all for the best?
ah of course it is
Mmmm what do you say?
Mmmm that it's just what we need
you decided this
Mmmm what do you say?
Mmmm what did she say?

ransom notes keep falling out your mouth
mid-sweet talk, newspaper word cut outs
speak no feeling
no I don't believe you
you don't care a bit,
you don't care a bit

(hide and seek)
ransom notes keep falling out your mouth
midsweet talk, newspaper word cut outs

(hide and seek)
speak no feeling
no, I don't believe you
you don't care a bit,
you don't care a bit

(hide and seek)
oh no, you don't care a bit
oh no, you don't care a bit

(hide and seek)
oh no, you don't care a bit
you don't care a bit
you don't care a bit

i swear to god.
that song makes my life.
it tells me what im going through right now.
things have to work out.
right?

right..

Tags: music!

Posted at 11:04 pm | Link | Leave a comment | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend

Mar. 14th, 2007

(no subject)

location: computer room

mood:

lonely

music: system of a down

the in-crowd.

are the people that everyone wants to be in.
its when you get invited to parties, over peoples houses, when you feel in.
when you have "friends".
i dont have friends.
i have a small group of people who accept me.
there are like, 6 of them.
and i cant even talk to them anymore. im losing my mind.
i wish things were somewhat simple, you know, easy.
and i really wish i didnt care what others think about me.
my best friend lives in pennsylvania. and i really fucking miss her.
i really fucking need her.

lets make a time machine !!!
oh ma gawd it would be so perfect!
i want to go back in timme to last year.
when i had 3 best friends.
when i had a sisterhood.
when things were so utterly perfect it hurt for other people to look at us.
i'd kill to have that again. i'd kill to have 3 people who i knew would be my sisters.
who i knew wouldnt leave me for any reason whatsoever.
i had the most amazing summer. and then. september came around.
and she moved. she just, took everything, and went to pennsylvania.
i mean i knew it was going to happen but in my head i told myself it wouldnt happen, i told myself everything would be okay.
and that she wouldnt leave. i spent every day with her, every flippin' day. i practically lived with her.
we had this spot in firemans park. she dragged me there over the summer, and i sat there and i cried with her, i laughed with her.
i almost fell in the pond with her a few times. then when september came around, she left.
school started. i watched things deteriorate. i watched myself lose everyone.
i mean i have people.
but im tired.
and im not taking anything well anymore.

so. the time machine would come in handy. or i will, and i repeat i so will bury myself in my pile of shit in my room.
and not come out.

so get working on my time machine please.

Tags: crying.

Posted at 08:48 pm | Link | Leave a comment | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend

Mar. 13th, 2007

Just look at me now.

location: Computer Room

mood:

cold

music: Slipknot

My stomach hurts now.
This sickness isnt me.

Just look at me now.

Just look at me now.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Sorry, that was the used.

Anyhooties.

Hmm, so, lifes been pretty shitty, not gunna lie.
Another family member hates me, how bout' them apples?
So, in school my grades are alright I guess, they do kinda suck tho.
I love ROTC. Even tho I have cammies, it isnt stopping me.
Im a cpl and I love it that way.
Im on the inspection team. Augh.

"Sir, this cadets name is Cadet Corporal Stefanie Maffea sir."
"Sir, this cadets billet is third assistant in supply sir."

poo, if I mess up when the scary marine asks me that. Im dead.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Hm. Lets see how my schedule is:

French: hate it hate it hate it. I could be doing soo much better. Je deteste le cours de francais.
ROTC: Im an upperclassmen in a freshmen class, full of dicks. Explain enough?
Biology: Im doing suprisingly well, Ms. B makes my life when she yells at Cohen :D
Gym: Coach C is a fucking maniac, whose going to murder me one day with the fucking miles.
(sorry about the language, I just get angry about it)
Band: Mr. Pike seems okay with how Im playing I guess. Im actually playing this quarter.
English: Dont get me started.
Math: I dont like math.
Global: Love Mac, hate how bad my class is.
Science Research: Me and Chodkowski alone. Its interesting.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Hmm. Well, my best friend Brynna is a senior, so shes leaving me soon. School sucks, so do friends.
I know what I want in ROTC, and Im not going to stop until I get it.

More soon.

stefanie.

Tags: babling

Posted at 07:15 pm | Link | Leave a comment | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend

Mar. 3rd, 2007

just let it be.

location: dads house.

mood:

crushed

music: flyleaf.

so.

who hates people?
-raises hand-

i know i sure do.

so i try to help my friend right, then she goes insane on me and goes to everyone, "oh this person is a lying bitch."

only 5 people know what happened.

and thats me, my 3 good friends, and the friend who went insane on me.

oh well. stupid highschool drama. cant wait until college.

hopefully john jay, or pace.

cant wait to get out of here.

btw.

im not a brace face nemore.

Tags: poop.

Posted at 12:15 pm | Link | Leave a comment | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend

Mar. 1st, 2007

hating everyone.

location: cp room

mood:

depressed

music: nothing

so...i pretty much hate life right now.
crap.
im about to freak out this sucks such big ass.
the only good thing about this whole thing is that i should be getting my braces off tomorrow.
well i am it just depends on how badly i shall be freaking out..

ew.

my dog is having sex with her pillow.

time to go cry.

LOOK AT ME IM BEING EMO.

Tags: shit.

Posted at 06:30 pm | Link | Leave a comment | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend

Feb. 22nd, 2007

viva las vegas

location: my cp room.

mood:

tired

music: the sound of the keys being typed on.

so. i just got back from vegas. it was fun to say the least.
at least i got to watch jackass two. i think i pissed myself from laughing so hard.
im pretty exausted atm, its almost 1 in ny, but in vegas itd only be 10 pm, so my body is on vegas time.
it was nice to get away from all the bullshit, ill admit to that.

maybe ill head off to sleep now.

btw.

my aunts a monster.

more to come tomorrow.

peace and love my homie.

Tags: vegas.

Posted at 12:57 am | Link | Leave a comment | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend

Feb. 16th, 2007

weezer

location: cp room

mood:

irritated

music: WEEZER

uh im stefanie (6:51:24 PM): isnt she going online
WorldxWarxJenn (6:52:14 PM): yeah
WorldxWarxJenn (6:52:22 PM): in an hour. or so
uh im stefanie (6:52:26 PM): OHHH
uh im stefanie (6:52:29 PM): COME ON AND KICK ME
uh im stefanie (6:52:34 PM): OHHHH
WorldxWarxJenn (6:52:36 PM): ?
uh im stefanie (6:52:37 PM): COME ON AND KICK MEE
uh im stefanie (6:52:39 PM): OHHH
uh im stefanie (6:52:41 PM): COME ON AND KICK MEE
uh im stefanie (6:52:45 PM): OHHH YOU GOT YOUR PROBLEMS?!
WorldxWarxJenn (6:52:47 PM): -stares-
uh im stefanie (6:52:52 PM): OHH I GOT MY ASSWIPE
WorldxWarxJenn (6:52:58 PM): o_o
uh im stefanie (6:52:59 PM): sorry.
uh im stefanie (6:53:00 PM): weezer.
uh im stefanie (6:53:01 PM): <3
uh im stefanie (6:53:03 PM): hash pipe.
WorldxWarxJenn (6:53:04 PM): oh jesus.
uh im stefanie (6:53:14 PM): DOWN ON SANTAMONIKA WHERE TRIX ARE FOR KIDS
uh im stefanie (6:53:24 PM): woahhhh
uh im stefanie (6:53:27 PM): come on and kick mee
uh im stefanie (6:53:31 PM): woahh you got your problemss
uh im stefanie (6:53:38 PM): woahh i got my asswipee
uh im stefanie (6:53:42 PM): you got your big ggg's
uh im stefanie (6:53:45 PM): i got my hash pipe
uh im stefanie (6:53:46 PM): EUGH
uh im stefanie (6:53:47 PM): sorry
uh im stefanie (6:53:48 PM): im done.
uh im stefanie (6:53:52 PM): -guitar solo-
WorldxWarxJenn (6:54:06 PM): In general, how soft or strong is your voice?
uh im stefanie (6:54:11 PM): wtf are you doing jenn
WorldxWarxJenn (6:54:17 PM): diagnosing.
WorldxWarxJenn (6:54:17 PM): idk
WorldxWarxJenn (6:54:18 PM): lol
uh im stefanie (6:54:19 PM): an STD test?
WorldxWarxJenn (6:54:23 PM): yessum.
WorldxWarxJenn (6:54:24 PM): hhaha
uh im stefanie (6:54:27 PM): i mean come on
WorldxWarxJenn (6:54:28 PM): how strng is my voice.
WorldxWarxJenn (6:54:41 PM): i like this song.
uh im stefanie (6:55:14 PM): are you a screamer ;-)
uh im stefanie (6:55:22 PM): when youre on a holiday you cant find the words to say
uh im stefanie (6:55:26 PM): all the things that come to you
uh im stefanie (6:55:30 PM): and i wanna feel it too
uh im stefanie (6:55:34 PM): on an island in the sun
uh im stefanie (6:55:42 PM): we;ll be playin and havin fun
uh im stefanie (6:55:48 PM): and it makes me feel so fine i cant control my brain
uh im stefanie (6:55:50 PM): hip hip
WorldxWarxJenn (6:55:55 PM): o-o
uh im stefanie (6:55:55 PM): hip hip
uh im stefanie (6:55:59 PM): when youre on a golden sea
uh im stefanie (6:56:03 PM): you dont need no memories
uh im stefanie (6:56:14 PM): just a place to call your own, as we drift into the zone
uh im stefanie (6:56:16 PM): on an island in the sun
uh im stefanie (6:56:21 PM): we;ll be playin and havin fun
uh im stefanie (6:56:28 PM): and it makes me feel so fine i cant control my brain
uh im stefanie (6:56:36 PM): well run away together. well spend some time, forever
uh im stefanie (6:56:42 PM): well never feel that anymoreeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
uh im stefanie (6:56:44 PM): hip hip
uh im stefanie (6:56:56 PM): hip hip
uh im stefanie (6:57:14 PM): on an island in the sunnn
uh im stefanie (6:57:18 PM): well be playin and havin funn
uh im stefanie (6:57:26 PM): and it makesme feel so fine i cant control my brain
uh im stefanie (6:57:41 PM): well run away together, well spend some time, forever. well never feel that anymoreeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
uh im stefanie (6:57:43 PM): hip hip
uh im stefanie (6:57:48 PM): hip hip
uh im stefanie (6:57:51 PM): well never feel that anymoree
uh im stefanie (6:57:52 PM): hip hip
uh im stefanie (6:57:57 PM): nonoo
uh im stefanie (6:57:58 PM): hip hip
uh im stefanie (6:58:03 PM): well never feel that anymoree
uh im stefanie (6:58:04 PM): hip hip
uh im stefanie (6:58:09 PM): hip hip
uh im stefanie (6:58:09 PM): nono
uh im stefanie (6:58:10 PM): damnit
uh im stefanie (6:58:12 PM): the song ended
uh im stefanie (6:58:39 PM): cry if you wanna, she wont be coming down
uh im stefanie (6:58:40 PM): down
uh im stefanie (6:58:41 PM): DOWNN
uh im stefanie (6:58:45 PM): downnn, downn, DOWNNNNN
uh im stefanie (6:58:54 PM): cry if you wanna, she wont be comin down
uh im stefanie (6:59:08 PM): ONNNN.onnnn.ONNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN
uh im stefanie (6:59:30 PM): she said, shes feeling lonely, and i say thats okay. she wont be comin back round here noway
uh im stefanie (6:59:38 PM): -guitar solo-
uh im stefanie (6:59:42 PM): GOD DAMNIT IM WIERD JENN WHERE ARE YOU

i'm not sure whats wrong with me either. okay.

Tags: im high off weezer and my friend left me

its a disaster.

location: Computer Room

mood:

grumpy

music: angels with dirty faces-sum 41

Its a disaster.
Its an incredible mess.
But its all we got now.

happy trails.

Posted at 06:39 pm | Link | Leave a comment | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend

Previous 20

rantings and

ramblings of a teenage idiot

March 2008

Tags

Page Summary

Syndicate

Mar. 31st, 2008

Oct. 20th, 2007

Sep. 24th, 2007

Aug. 30th, 2007

Aug. 27th, 2007

Aug. 25th, 2007

Aug. 9th, 2007

Jul. 13th, 2007

Jul. 6th, 2007

Jul. 1st, 2007

Jun. 30th, 2007

Apr. 30th, 2007

Mar. 14th, 2007

Mar. 13th, 2007

Mar. 3rd, 2007

Mar. 1st, 2007

Feb. 22nd, 2007

Feb. 16th, 2007